horrible histories medieval europe

Ah, bless. If your mental image of horrible histories medieval europe comes from a Year 7 school trip (rain, damp castle, one bored guide saying *“this is where someone probably screamed”*), then mate—you’ve been sold a soggy pasty. Truth is, the medieval world wasn’t *just* grim. It was *gloriously* weird, absurdly inventive, and occasionally hilarious—like a Monty Python sketch written by monks after three flagons of mead. Yes, people died of things we treat with a paracetamol and a nap. But they also invented universities, wrote bawdy poetry, kept pet squirrels in gold collars, and held trials for *mice accused of stealing barley*. So grab a trencher of bread (watch the weevils), pour a cup of small beer, and let’s wade—*barefoot, probably*—into the muck, marvels, and mildew of horrible histories medieval europe. (Typos guaranteed. Hygiene? Not so much.)

Let’s tip our (slightly lopsided) caps to *Horrible Histories*—the CBBC juggernaut that turned pus, plague, and poo into punchlines. Launched in 2009, it didn’t *dumb down* history; it *dragged it out of the textbook and into the tavern*, where it belonged. Sketches like *“Stupid Deaths”* or *“Rattus Rattus’ News Desk”* made kids snort milk out their noses while accidentally learning that Edward II was *probably* not murdered with a red-hot poker (modern historians reckon it’s bollocks—but the *story* stuck for 700 years. Cheers, propaganda). The show covers *everything*—Romans, Georgians, Victorians—but its horrible histories medieval europe episodes? Pure gold. Why? Because the Middle Ages handed it *the best material*: absurd laws, questionable medicine, and fashion crimes that’d make a peacock wince.

Everyone knows the Black Death wiped out a third of Europe (1347–1351). But the *everyday* horrors? Less apocalyptic, more… *annoying*. Lice. In *everything*. Trenches dug *inside* castles for waste (hence “*garderobe*”—literally, “robe-wardrobe,” ‘cause hanging your cloak near the loo *repelled moths*—with ammonia. Genius? Desperate? Both.). Bread baked with *sawdust* or *chalk* to bulk it up (and yes, bakers caught doing it got *pilloried*—or worse, *nailed through the ear* to their own door). And let’s not forget *“St. Anthony’s Fire”*—ergot poisoning from mouldy rye, causing gangrene, hallucinations, and *burning sensations* (hence the name). One outbreak in 994 CE saw crowds in France *dancing in the streets*, convinced they were saints. Spoiler: they weren’t. Just very, very poisoned. That’s the texture of horrible histories medieval europe: not just death—*discomfort*, dialed to eleven.

Shock fact: in *non*-plague years, the biggest killer in medieval Europe was… childbirth. For women, yes—but also for babies. Infant mortality hovered around **25–30%** in the first year. Why? No germ theory. Midwives washed hands *if there was time*. Tools weren’t sterilised (what’s “sterilise”?). Forceps? Rare—and often *invented by men who’d never seen a vagina*. A 13th-century French text advised: *“If the babe won’t come, tie a thread to its foot and pull gently.”* Gentle, they said. Meanwhile, *dysentery*, *typhoid*, and *tuberculosis* stalked towns—especially where 200 people shared one well and a pig lived in the parlour. So yes, the Black Death was apocalyptic—but for most, the real horror was *ordinary life*. Short, sharp, and sodden.

Fancy a check-up? Step right up! A medieval physician might:
— Examine your *urine* (colour, smell, *taste*—yes, really). Texts described 20+ types: *“cloudy like a stormy sea”*, *“sweet as honey (diabetes, but shhh)”*, *“smells of mouse piss (you’re doomed)”*.
— Prescribe *bloodletting*—not as punishment, but *balance*. Too melancholy? You’ve too much *black bile*. Let’s drain some! Leeches? Luxury. Most used a *lancet* and a bowl. And yes—Barber-Surgeons did haircuts *and* amputations. Same blade. Just rinsed.*
— Suggest a *pigeon plaster*: split a live pigeon, stick it to your forehead for migraines. (The pigeon? Not consulted.)
This wasn’t ignorance—it was *systematic theory* (thanks, Galen). Just… spectacularly wrong. And yet—some worked! Honey for wounds (antibacterial). Willow bark (salicylic acid → aspirin). The horrible histories medieval europe doc might joke about it—but beneath the gag: real people, trying *so hard* to heal, with the tools they had.

Right—strap in. Here’s ten *verified* oddities from horrible histories medieval europe, no fiction needed:
1. In 12th-c. London, you could be fined for *“letting your pig run loose on London Bridge”* (they caused traffic jams. And chaos).
2. King John owned *a polar bear*—gift from Norway. It fished in the Thames on a leash.
3. “Sport” included *cock-throwing*: tie a rooster to a post, hurl sticks at it till it dies. (Banned in 1660. Took ‘em long enough.)
4. People *did* believe in dragons—but mostly as allegories. Though in 1379, a French knight *claimed* he killed one near Bordeaux. The “corpse” was probably a crocodile. Smuggled? Escaped? We’ll never know.
5. There were *professional mourners*—paid to wail at funerals. Top ones got *bonuses for tears*.
6. Toothpaste? Crushed mint, pepper, and *salt*. Or: *burnt mouse ashes* (for whiteness).
7. In 1387, a court in France *put rats on trial* for eating barley. They didn’t show. Were assigned a lawyer. Case adjourned.
8. Edward III banned football in 1349—it was “*too violent*” and distracted archers from practice. (Archery: compulsory Sundays. Football: punishable by fine.)
9. “Sweetmeats” included *sugar-coated violets*, *candied anise*, and—yes—*sugar mice*. Still do. Some traditions *stick*.
10. You could *buy a pardon* from the Church for sins (indulgences). Price list? Real. Murder: £10 (≈ **£8,000 today**). Adultery: £2. *Thinking* about adultery: 2 shillings. Bargain.

Let’s get grim with stats—compiled from manorial rolls, monastic records, and coroners’ inquests:

So—outside plague spikes, *dying quietly in bed at 60*? Rare. *Dying because your neighbour’s goat kicked over your soup pot*? Plausible. That’s the brutal poetry of horrible histories medieval europe: life wasn’t cheap—*it was fragile*.

Medieval folks had *flair* for the dramatic:
“Better to be a bold coward than a cowardly boaster.” — Chaucer, *The Knight’s Tale* (translation: *“Leg it—but do it with style.”*).
“When Adam delved and Eve span, who was then the gentleman?” — John Ball, 1381 Peasants’ Revolt (i.e., *“We’re all equal—so why’s he got a castle and I’ve got turnips?”*).
“Beware the fury of a patient man.” — John Dryden (later, but *so* medieval in vibe).
And the best? A 14th-c. physician’s note: *“If the patient be a nobleman, bleed him less. They faint easier.”* Class privilege—*in the lancet*.

Think armour was the only weird wear? Nah. 14th-century nobles rocked *poulaines*—shoes with toes *30cm long*, stuffed with moss, chained to the knee so they didn’t trip. (Banned by sumptuary laws—too *ostentatious*. Also, impractical for fleeing peasants.) Women wore *wimples*—linen veils wound like a GPS route round head and chin. Men? Fake beards (for “dignity”) and *houppelandes*—gowns with sleeves so long, they needed *slits* to use their hands. And hats! *Hennins*—tall cones with veils (up to 2ft high). *“Why?”* you ask. *“Because we can—and also, to show we don’t do manual labour.”* The horrible histories medieval europe team nailed it: fashion wasn’t vanity. It was *social signalling*—with added risk of concussions.

So why does horrible histories medieval europe still grip us? Not ‘cause we *like* suffering—but ‘cause we see *ourselves* in the mess. They invented *parliament*, *jury trials*, *universities*, *mechanical clocks*—all while arguing whether beavers were fish (they said yes—so you could eat them on Fridays). They wrote *epic poems*, composed polyphonic chants, built cathedrals that still steal your breath. And yes—they believed in werewolves, put mice on trial, and thought bad air caused plague. But they *tried*. They *adapted*. They *survived*. And when *Horrible Histories* sings *“The Monks’ Chant (Do, Re, Mead!)”* or reenacts Henry VIII’s wives as a *dating show*, it’s not mockery. It’s *affection*. A wink across time: *“Yeah, it was grim. But wasn’t it also… kind of magnificent?”* Fancy going deeper? Swing by The Great War Archive, browse our History section, or lose yourself in Books About Medieval Europe: Essential Reads & Untold Sagas. No Latin required. Just curiosity—and maybe a stiff drink.

References

• https://www.historyextra.com/period/medieval/10-surprising-facts-about-life-in-medieval-england/
• https://www.britishmuseum.org/blog/secrets-medieval-medicine
• https://www.medievalists.net/2021/03/animal-trials-middle-ages/
• https://www.nationalarchives.gov.uk/education/resources/life-in-medieval-england/